My first podcast post is basically me reading this. One of my goals for the year is to express externally in the way that I think about things in my head. I have an endless constant stream of overlapping thoughts and sometimes it’s hard for me to speak out loud because by the time I’ve started a sentence my mind has given me a grid of a few other ways to think about or say that sentence and then I have to pick one and it can feel really scary and confusing to speak sometimes especially with people that I don’t know. I realized that I change my speaking style in relation to who I am speaking with. I don’t like it althought it’s coming from a good place. I try to speak in their language. I’m learning how to express myself more truthfully as to who I am. I’m learning to express myself more in the same fashion that I think rather than translating what I think into terms and formats that I think the person listening to me will understand. If I am successful in doing so, that means that I will be able express myself in a way that is true to me. This article really taps into who I am as a person, how I feel about things, what I’m looking for, so I felt it would be relevant for me to post here as the first post of my blog. Let me know your thoughts! Oh one other thing…I curse…I may have to stop at some point, but this is just how it came out.

Happy New Year 2022!

 I feel like I have a wealth of knowledge, and experiences. Some that would be considered left of center, that are unique, and different and interesting and also some that are so real and raw and basically human. And I’d like to share them with the world.  And I’m looking to ask questions that tap into what it means to be a human on this earth. And I’m looking to impart my opinions, desires, dreams, thoughts and feelings to anyone who will listen. I want to speak up. I want to be a voice. I want to lend myself to this world to be of service. To see if there’s any way I can help and to help in those places where I see need changing. I want to be a catalyst for change. I want my voice, and my heart and my opinions and feelings to connect with others who might not like what it means to be alive right now. Who are asking the same questions I have asked so that we might exchange knowledge and information and share a heart awakening together. 

And also, I’m looking for friends. For other people who think like me. I want to connect with the world. With the fucking universe. I don’t care if you’re an alien. I just want to know what’s going on in the world. Like for real. I want to see what the fuck’s going on and just reach out and see if there’s anyone out there who might think like me and who would like me. Does anyone like me? But it’s more than that. I want to tell you that I like you. And I see you and I want you in my life. I want to get to know more about you. To see you for who you really are. Outside of the noise and confusion, the cruelty and the devastation. The betrayals and the subjugation, the exploitation and the weary slogging days that feel like they will never end. The misunderstandings, the assumptions, the racism, the patriarchy, the capitalism, the founding fathers and the trailing sons. The wounded hearts and the seething rage and frustration. The cowardice and the crippling fears that make you feel like you will never be able to just stand under the sun in all of its blinding brilliance and say, without reservation, Look at me. See me for who I really am. 

I wish to see you too. To hold you close to my heart and let you know that you’re not alone. You’re not alone. No matter how lonely it must feel out there. To be lied to, and gaslighted every single day of your life. For them to tell you don’t matter. You’re just a wheel in a cog. Their words speak of wisdom and truth, but their actions speak a different story. You have to warp and twist and shove yourself into a corner, into a little bitty teeny tiny box. 

You ask.

Who am I?

What am I?

And they tell you who you are, and what you are, and what to believe, and how to think. But you know, something inside of you, you just know that they’re wrong. 

I’m supposed to believe in the God of their making, and they are the most cruelest, evilest most horrific humans on the planet. 

They steal and lie and destroy the planet, and then they tell you that the way you are looking at the world is wrong. And you’re supposed to like all this stuff…you’re supposed to be ok with large groups of people travelling to the other side of the planet to destroy and kill. You’re supposed to want to support that. 

And if you don’t, if you have a problem with it, you’re the dirty one, you’re the nasty one, you’re the wicked one. Talk about gaslighting. 

They tell you that you don’t matter. The way you see the world and the changes that you know need to be made, are disgusting to them. 

You are screaming inside. At the top of your lungs. 

This is wrong. This has to change. I don’t want this anymore. 

There is an awakening happening the world over and I just know in my heart of hearts that I am a herald of change. Everywhere I go a certain energy follows and I have tried to hide that energy. I have tried to shove it down, dumb it down, oppress it. But I know that transformations flow in my wake. My very presence is a challenge to authority. I’m learning how to express on the outside what I hold on the inside. I am a catalyst for change. I am learning how to stand up for myself. And learning how to show up for myself and for others. I am on a journey. And I wish to share my journey with you, and to walk with you on yours for a time.

We will remake the world by injecting our chemistry inside of it. It doesn’t matter what you do or what you say, even, just by your very presence alone you shall remake the world in your own image. Just be the person in the room. It’s so hard, but I will not shrink my energy any longer.

The way we know what the world is, is to see who shows up, who steps up to be counted. 

For so long we have not had the confidence and support to do so. 

The task that lies ahead seems insurmountable. We are being asked to put a step forth into a world that has treated us like slime underfoot. Has harmed us, hurt and traumatized us, and then cast us aside. And yet all of us are being called upon to stand. In a world that takes from  you. Takes your very sanity to comprehend it, your dignity, your voice, and sometimes it feels like your very soul. You are being asked to give more. To stand up and take your place in this world. To stand up and be counted. 

To have an opinion about the way it should go down.

What do you want the world to look like?

Start putting that out there into the ether. 

Step up to the table. 

And now I say unto you, you have watched the cruelty, you have experienced it. You precious precious souls for whom empathy has been denied. 

They watched me being tortured at the hands of my very own parents, and what did they do. They laughed and clapped and demanded more. 

For the longest time I struggled. 

Therapists and mentors could only do so much. 

I had to learn how to take care of myself. 

How to undo my programming. 

I built myself up not just from the ground but from literally underneath it. From my old singing in the subway days to today.

I was scared to show my real self to the world. 

I felt so alone for so long.

But not anymore.

I want you to know that I’m here. 

If you are deconstructing christianity, or processing trauma. I am here for you.

If you grew up with religious christian extremists. 

I am here. 

If you were abused, or psychologically manipulated. I am here. 

If your innocence was exploited.

I am here.

If you were told that you were a bad person, just for existing.

I am here. 

If you are tired of the masking. 

I am here.

I know what you went through and I’m here and I would like to connect with you and I want to know more about you.

We survived.

And now we will thrive. 

Together.