Rainy Day

I have had so many stupid ideas in my life, so stupid in fact that I’m too embarrassed to tell you what they are. But in all my little businesses and side projects, I’ve learned a lot about myself and what I like and don’t like. One thing I learned is that when something means a lot to you, when the stakes are heavy and high, you try to avoid it. For as long as possible. I’ve always loved the arts. I always knew I could sing. Back in the day when I was singing in the subway, I tried all these other things, avoiding going professional as long as possible, just because the singing and the performing was the most important thing. But what if I tried it and failed? What if something bad happened to ruin it forever. Then it’s like you spend your days wasting away in a cave of fear. It’s not until you put yourself out there that you are really living life. When I say put yourself out there, it could be with anything really. It means expressing who you really are, in any facet shape or form. Telling someone you love them, telling someone you disagree with them, moving on from something or someone else. It means taking the thing you are afraid of and reveling in it. It means using your real voice. Last night I watched Jillian Michael’s (the trainer from The Biggest Loser) new show, and despite the fact that it was a little bit much, there was a scene where she talked about trying to get her “trainee”, who was scarred and traumatized due to the death of her husband, to use her own voice. She may not have used that exact sentence, but that’s what it translated to in my mind. So anyway, that’s so terribly hard isn’t it? That’s the chore, that’s the duty of all of us. Otherwise we’re just a bunch of walking crypts, our minds and souls dying away on the inside.

This afternoon I listened to an interview with Joan Rivers on talk radio on the way home from the gym. It may have been NPR or some station like that. What a great interview! I never knew Joan Rivers was so interesting! What a life she had! She just speaks what’s on her mind. She was saying how comedy pushes the envelope and gets people to talk about things they wouldn’t normally talk about which is so true.

I’m sitting at a coffee shop writing this. It’s raining outside. I have a pot of tea on the table next to my laptop. I think the guy behind me is straining to read what I’m writing, and I’m not just being paranoid. I’m wondering how you are doing, and what you are thinking right now. 🙂

5 thoughts on “Rainy Day

  1. I listened to that same interview with Joan Rivers while driving to Valdosta from Atlanta. The interviewer was Terri Gross on her program “Fresh Air!” They definitely had a great rapport, and there is a new documentary about Joan that Terri based many anecdotes on and played clips from.

    Many of us do indeed withold the most creative and vibrant energies that we have to offer. I know that you are growing and blossoming as an artist yourself.

  2. I can’t express how much I agree with you on this post. It really gave me a new perspective on people. We’re all the same, useless and wastes of space, unless we learn to not be afraid of what people may think or say about you. If you don’t express how you TRULY feel on the inside, what are you? Your life will never be the way you’d like it to be. People will never know who you really are unless you show them. You’re a very intelligent woman and an amazing artist. Thank you so much Susan, for taking the time to write these though-provoking blogs. I’m only 14 years old but when I mature, I hope to become as perceptive and intelligent as you are now.

  3. I am learning to call myself stupid less… I think dreaming big is very important. Not putting to action because someone thinks it could be stupid… well what’s that point of dreaming then. Dream big and share it with the world! You are very beautiful:) and I like the way you write:) I shall check the rest of your blog out:)

  4. Your totally right…. I am a poet & I am having a love affair with one of my latest poems that is exactly about this: Hiding out in the comfy cozy versions of ourselves. And about how much grief comes along with all the growth we have as artist especially when the “small” parts of us don’t get to come into “getting bigger”. Its great to grow and expand, but we can’t forget that that the small, the scared, feels safer hiding part of ourselves that doesn’t get to grow bigger is still apart of ourselves and there is grief leaving versions of ourselves behind….

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